This morning I got my usual double-smoked bacon, egg, and cheese Starbucks sandwich because buying comfort food at 5 AM is what loners do.
A female barista and a male barista have a conversation as I wait for my order to cook.
Female barista: In the direction of the male barista as she grabs my order, “...but hey, I thought I’d be married by now.”
Me: “Don’t feel bad. I’m pushing thirty and I’ve never even been in a relationship.”
Both baristas’ jaws drop.
Female barista: “Really? I don’t get it.”
Me: “Yep. After a while I’ve figured it’s probably mostly due to race.”
Female barista: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah. Multiple dating websites have done studies about this. No matter how much people claim that they’ll date anyone, race is actually the strongest factor in who people actually date.”
Female barista: “But...you’re a very attractive man.”
Me: “Meh...I used to model. It doesn’t matter though. If you’re not part of a race or ethnicity a woman can bring home, it doesn’t matter how attractive you are.”
Male barista goes to the back.
Female barista: “I understand. I’m half Mexican and half Vietnamese and meeting my boyfriend’s parents in Maryland was really awkward.”
Me: “Yep. Unfortunately, the way dating works is that if you’re attracted to someone, chances are other people are attracted to that person. If that person has the choice between someone who’s black and someone who’s white, guess who they’ll always choose.”
Female barista: The sad realization that I might be right suddenly overwhelms her face into sympathetic helplessness. “Aww. It’ll happen someday for you.”
Me: “Nope. If it hasn’t happened by now, odds are it never will. Imagine going on a date, hitting it off with that person, that person enthusiastically accepts a second date, but then inexplicably cancels last minute. Now imagine that being the norm.”
Female barista: Face plunges deeper into helplessness. “Just be positive.”
Me: “I’m not that kind of guy.”
Female barista: “Well I’ll be positive for you.”
Female barista: Forces smile. “Today will be great! I promise!”
I guess believing that kind of thing works makes her feel better about the world. I’m jealous at other people’s ability to manufacture positivity. People often tell me, “just look at the bright side,” as if I missed some sort of seminar early in life that teaches everyone that simply looking at the bright side makes everything tolerable.
Like Pluto, sometimes the bright side is still dark. Like Pluto, some people may see you in the same class as other similar bodies, but officially you aren't. Either way, it doesn’t matter. You are cold, small, and you are cursed toward the outer reaches of the system. You will never feel the same warmth or see the same light others do, no matter how many trips around the sun you take. Like Pluto, you will always be lonely.
Some of you probably wonder...why not your own race? They want men of God. I'm not that. My dating pool is effectively zero.