Personal

Unwanted

I’ve beat this dead horse many times, but this blog too must be prefaced with the obligatory, “I’m 30 and never been in a relationship.” But to that I will add that I’ve been job hunting for nearly 20 months with no luck. The combination of those two make one thing clear: the person sitting on the other side of the table does not envision a future with me. I am unwanted.

Holiday Loneliness 2017

Holiday season exists to remind me that I’m 30 and never been in a relationship. Yes, you read that correctly. I am 30-years-old and have never had a romantic partner. In fact, I’ve only once been on what I can even call a second date. The fact that I’ve neither seen nor felt any improvement in the seventeen months since I wrote “10 Reasons I Will Always Be Lonely” proves that some things never change...unless they get worse. As someone who’s neither spiritual nor religious I’m not the type of person to believe without real evidence that good things are waiting for me just around the corner. I believe the best predictor of the future is the past.

Race and Dating: A Starbucks Conversation

This morning I got my usual double-smoked bacon, egg, and cheese Starbucks sandwich because buying comfort food at 5 AM is what loners do. A female barista and a male barista have a conversation as I wait for my order to cook. Oven: “Ding!” Female barista: In the direction of the male barista as she grabs my order, “but hey, I thought I’d be married by now.” Me: “Don’t feel bad. I’m pushing thirty and I’ve never even been in a relationship.” Both baristas’ jaws drop. Female barista: “Really? I don’t get it.” Me: “Yep. After a while I’ve figured it’s probably mostly due to race.”

The Likely End of an Unremarkable Modeling Career

Several months after being laid off from my full-time design position I turned to a different industry. An industry in which I had more of a love-hate relationship, without most of the love of course. In mid-November 2016 I submitted recent images to every reputable Bay Area modeling agency I discovered online. Most rejected me immediately, which is not unlike most non-modeling jobs I apply to.

10 Reasons I Will Always Be Lonely

I’m a very lonely person. I’m also a person whose primary source of happiness is independence. See the problem here? Why is a single man in his 20s and living in the second most densely populated city in the country at home on Friday nights and weekends blogging about loneliness?

Laid Off. Now What?

Making a living in the industrialized world often takes the form of providing labor for an organization writing you checks in regular intervals that roughly reflect the value they believe your work brings to the organization. Unfortunately, as valuable as your work might be sometimes the money well runs dry, which means positions must be cut and heads must be lost. In a nutshell this is what the CEO of a health and wellness agency broke to his emotionally paralyzed group of employees as they gazed back at him with dejected stares during the company meeting yesterday. I was among that group, having worked full-time for this agency as a junior level interaction designer for the past eleven months.

Growing Up Without a Father

In my daily life I rarely think about fatherhood. I’m not a father nor did I grow up with one in the traditional sense. My grandmother largely played that role in my early childhood but no patriarch existed, which is not uncommon for families of certain ethnic minorities. But there have been moments throughout my life that forced me to think about fatherhood, mainly how the absence of one affects my life.